Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
