the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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