Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
