hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
