I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
