i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
