my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
