im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
