bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
