Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
