I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
