Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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