Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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