well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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