just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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