Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
