toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
