it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
