I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Found the puke drawer
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
