the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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