Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
