Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize
