I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
