ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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