You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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