I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
