I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
