I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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