Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You're a waste of cheezeits
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
