Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
