god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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