Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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