Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
