Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
