Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
