Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
smell my finger.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
