You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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