Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
