So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
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