FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
