My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
