the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
