Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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