Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
