I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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