You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Your cock deserves a montage
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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