My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
