You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
