you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
