dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
